3 posts tagged “j”

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Sick

Oct 8, 2008
10 comments

This often happens to me whenever I'm under some stress, or when ever I have to do something I don't want to do - my body throws a tantrum and I end up sick.

It's almost as if my body is saying to my mind - 'We're not going to do this, and if you make me, we're going to get sick and I won't let you do it anyway'. Which is ridiculous, and I guess isn't really true, its just more a case of being run down and then getting sick - not my body conspiring against me - although it does feel like that today.

Usually I struggle into work and soldier on, yes, am one of those people - who like to reserve their sick days for mini vacations - but then I never end up taking said mini breaks because I'm too busy - so all it means is that I work while I'm sick.

But today, I'm not going in. And what it also means is that last night while I was supposed to be dealing with a certain issue (J), I wasn't... I was posting on vox and laying on the couch wondering if I was really sick or it was my psychosomatic way of avoiding making the phone call. It wasn't I'm still sick.

I'm not surprised I've gotten sick. Apart from the body attacking the mind theory, there is another reason apart from the regular stresses... have been doing this weird diet thing where instead of eating all 3 meals, have been having meal replacement shakes for breakfast and lunch.

Now, its not because I'm all weight obsessed, or anything like that, it was more because I needed to do a bit of a detox, but then, the meal replacements were so easy - you don't think about what you'll have for lunch, go for a walk and get it, eat it in a park or something relaxing - no you just drink it at your desk and you're able to keep working. Hmmmnnn, even typing this I realise it doesn't sound like my smartest move. So I think after a month of these shakes, my body might be trying to tell me to stop it and eat some real food.

And get some sleep...

Jaded?

Sep 19, 2008
6 comments

The other night J told me I sound jaded.

When I think "jaded" I think: bitter, angry, hates life, hates the world, and is very negative.

I certainly don't think of myself.

We were having a discussion about my favourite subject at the moment - VIP Personality Disorder. He said his ex-flatmate most certainly has it, and that she was a real party girl, and while she lived up to the Sydney stereotype of "beauty" - blonde, slim, youthful looking (with help of A LOT of botox) - she seemed ultimately unhappy. I said that in my experience, when women measure their self-worth by how they look/the attention they get from men, it's really dangerous - as over time their looks/that attention will diminish and they'll be left feeling an emptiness.

He didn't really get what I meant so I explained that, as a woman, when you're in your late teens/early 20's and if you're even mildly attractive and you're going out partying etc, you will get A LOT of attention from guys. And because at this age you don't really know yourself as well as you could, it's easy to measure your self-worth by the attention you get from members of the opposite sex - especially if you've low self-esteem. While most girls get over this mind-set once they know themselves better/have experienced life a bit, some don't. So they are constantly struggling with their looks, and with feelings of inadequacy - masked behind a veneer of whatever is deemed 'beautiful' by the circles they move in.

To me it's pretty depressing - not to mention exhausting. And yeah, while I wouldn't mind to physically look like I was at that age, I certainly don't want to go back and be in that headspace. It's a part of getting older/wiser.

I said all this to him and he let out a whistle and said "man, you sound so jaded saying that".

Really?

Because to me it didn't seem jaded at all. It was just an observation.

And then we had a big discussion about how he doesn't think he's over his ex-girlfriend, but I'll save that gem for another time.

My List

Aug 19, 2008
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It's Tuesday, and I'm hung over. I know. No one to blame but myself, I'm supposed to be changing my ways... and blah, blah, blah

In my infinite wisdom I decided to help J polish off a bottle of wine last night, then we moved to bacardi. On a Monday. I'm pretty sure wine is allowed on Monday's, but in my world, no one needs to be drinking spirits on a Monday evening. Even if the news reader has proclaimed it to be the second-coldest evening of the year, and so people should try to stay warm. I'm pretty sure she meant with heaters, or by putting on a blanket or extra sweater - not by consuming so much alcohol they wear shorts and a t-shirt (J) or by announcing it was a bit stuffy and we should open the window (me).

Anyways, funny thing happens to me now when I drink enough to get tipsy... when I go to bed I sleep for the first hour, then I'm awake and restless for the whole night. It's OK if I'm by myself because I can get up/find something to do, but I'm not used to having someone else to consider. I read somewhere once that this happens as your body's way of making you stay alive - I'm serious - but its more for people who pass out so smashed that they're in danger of choking on their own vomit, not just a girl who drank a little too much (and still has 100% recollection of the entire evening thank you very much) Long story short, I spent the majority of last night staring at the ceiling coming up with a 'to do' list - and it kind of morphed into something more... then in my hung over state I just decided to watch 'The Bucket List', which of course made me cry, but made me think back to my list... and here are just some of the items on it... it's definitely not my 'Bucket List' (things to do before I die), it was literally a checklist of what needed doing... it's interesting to see what happens right at the end, I should have kept going...

* Pay rent

* Vacuum

* Pay phone bill

* Clean my room

* Clean my car

* Clean out my wardrobe

* Make more of an effort in my job

* Hand in my assignments

* Go to the gym more

* Pay off my credit card

* Go on a diet and lose 5kg before next week

* Call my sister and make sure she's OK

* Call my friend in Japan and make sure he doesn't hate me (its a long story), and that he's OK

* Be nicer to my mum

* Keep in touch with my friends more - not just the ones that email me straight back

* Write for 1 hour each night

* Be nicer to people in general

* Stop with the road rage

* Walk to and from work every day

* Donate money to a charity organisation on a regular basis

* Read the newspaper more

* Be more available emotionally

* Be more open

* Don't worry so much

* Find someone to care about, and care about me

* Have a family

* Buy a house

* Be a better person

Damn, full on right?! Well, I'm just glad that I didn't physically write this all down and leave it laying around for someone to find... Oh, and if you're wondering, The Bucket List is pretty crap. If you're a Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman fan then go ahead, they're you're guys - but the story is predictable and I hate it when movies tell you when you should feel certain emotions - or try to jerk tears from you - and even "Jack's" (Will & Grace) performance as a less funnier version of 'Jack' couldn't save this one, and he is hilarious usually.